Greetings and salutations!

Update

In the last week, to be perfectly honest, I have been struggling a great deal. I've been physically ill (cold) and this was compounded by a sudden and somewhat severe depression. It came to the point where I was really just dealing with the lack of any hope and a total inability to analyze my situation and decide what to do about it. It was a definite low point but I'm doing a bit better now. I'm trying to regain my confidence and re-assess my perspective, thereby feeling more able to make some important decisions.

Anyone who's known me for a significant amount of time might agree that its entirely possible I'm suffering from a mild depression (possibly even dysthymia, though I doubt it) and have been for many years.  I can't necessarily argue that as statistically, more than 20% of the population suffers from a mood disorder of some kind and considering the acknowledged hereditary nature of these conditions, and my understanding of my parents' experiences in this regard, well - nothing would surprise me.

When I examine the classic symptoms of chronic depression, however, further hope is to be found:

• You have persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" moods. [Ok, maybe]
• You suffer from feelings of hopelessness, pessimism and low self-esteem.
  [Occasionally, but who doesn't?]
• You feel guilty and worthless. [See prior comment]
• You have lost interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that you once enjoyed, including sex.
  [This statement doesn't apply to my life]
• Your sleep patterns are disrupted. You have insomnia, wake early in the morning, or have been oversleeping.
  [While my sleeping patterns may not be the best, I don't think this statement applies to my life]
• Your eating habits have changed. You have a loss of appetite or have started overeating. You've noticed a weight loss or weight gain.
  [While my eating patterns may not be the best, I don't think this statement applies to my life]
• You seem to have decreased energy, feelings of fatigue, a "slowed down" feeling, or agitation that you can't control. [Occasionally, but who doesn't?]
• Simple tasks seem harder and you've started procrastinating.
  [Ok, this has been happening, but only lately]
• You've had constant feelings of "life isn't worth living like this," thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts. [Occasionally, but who doesn't?]
• You feel restless, irritable, bad tempered, never relaxed or content.
  [Occasionally, but who doesn't?]
• You've had difficulty concentrating, remembering and making decisions. Your mind is hindered by a persistent, uncontrollable cluttering of down, sad, negative thoughts that you can't keep out.
  [Ok, this has been happening, but only lately]
• You have had persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain.
  [This statement doesn't apply to my life]
• You suffer from continuous anxiety that can't be turned off. You worry uncontrollably about small things (such as your physical health).
  [This statement doesn't apply to my life]
• You are having difficulty making small talk and have started to isolate yourself socially or have withdrawn from your peers.
  [While my social patterns may not be the best, I don't think this statement applies to my life]
• Your family has a history of members with depression, alcoholism or nervous breakdowns. [There might be something there]

Looking at these typical symptoms, I don't think I can make a solid case for my own chronic depression. I think it is much more likely that my present challenges are largely in response to specific situations in my life. I know I've been in a lot of places where I felt much better than I do now, so I know I don't feel this way all the time; moreover, my recent despair at least shows me that I am more in touch with my emotions that I had thought previously, which I consider encouraging.

A friend recently shared a helpful analogy with me: if a turtle crossing the road, seeing an oncoming car, retreats into his shell, is he protecting himself or is he just depressed. I have to protect myself, and that means not being afraid to make some decisions based on my own desires, and also not being afraid to fail (one of my key issues), and not being so concerned about what other people think. So - that is what I intend to do. As usual, I have consulted some trusted advisors and I will continue to seek help as I feel best, but I'm also going to start taking actions and forming new plans and strategies in my life. Thanks to those who continue to support me. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Feel free to contact me in any of the variety of available ways or leave a comment on this blog.

With (new) Hope,
Joseph