Greetings and salutations!

Once again, I've been reflecting on my neurosis recently. It appears to me that, as I am quite self-involved, I tend to be tremendously focused on the present, which makes planning for the future somewhat of a challenge. At the same time, I am often captivated by the past, obsessing over what was or could have been, living in my own memories. In spite of, or because of, these constantly warring elements of my psyche, I am also obsessed with moving forward, moving on, if you will. Call it restlessness, call in malcontent, call it a sense of adventure, call it whatever you like.

I over-analyze things a great deal, and while this is a useful part of my "process", doing so hasn't really helped me discover what I really want, what I really care about, or why. I know there are many things that I enjoy, many things I am quite good at, but I've been unable to determine what I'm really passionate about of late...what drives me. As I've explored elsewhere, mortality demands motivation. I'm still looking for mine.

I struggle with separating and recognizing my emotional and spiritual drivers from my rational ones and due to this, in part, I often fear that I am making snap decisions based on fear - fear of being trapped or of missing out on something - proving the adage that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. I do think, though, that the sometimes impulsive aspects of my nature do tend to balance out those analytical ones mentioned previously.

So what's a man to do? I think...I never stop thinking. I pray...never enough. I seek advice from trusted friends and associates and I do the best I can in whatever situation I find myself. Relationships, these are ultimately the only things I can truly know that I value in this life and largely what keeps me going. I can look at location and work, but the relationships are clearly going to be the deciding factor in most of my decisions.

In the end, the reality is that I've been searching for something, and I am still seeking - and I need to remind myself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I need to remind myself that sometimes it is ok to be selfish and to pursue my own path, to do what I want to do, what I have to do. I need to remind myself that I am a confident, strong individual and that I have the support of those who love me. There's a lot to keep reminding me - but then I talk to myself too much as it is - case in point! :0)

With Hope,
Joseph